Family Matters: An Exploration in Three Parts
I am often thinking of the phrase to ‘have it all,’ in reference to the idea of a women being career oriented and also experiencing motherhood. I wonder what is ‘all.’ My family has put this pressure on me to build my career first, and figure out a family second. I feel so much stress from wanting to be career oriented, but also the desire to find a partner, and build a family. I often wonder what I want out a family and a relationship, in comparison to what I have been exposed to. As I come of age, and enter adulthood, I feel an incredible weight on my shoulders—the weight of my family’s expectations of me that I ‘have it all’ despite not knowing what ‘all’ is.
I long to have children, even now at twenty-one years old. I long to have a career, as most twenty-one year olds should. But I also, undeniably, long to just be a child again. I wish I didn’t have to think about all the expectations placed on me. This pressure has been weighing on me since I was young, and I often feel as though I never got to have a normal childhood, because I was always so worried about the future.
My work right now focuses on this desire for regression, but also this undeniable truth that I am living in the present and simultaneously thinking of the future. I depict my own face as a child on the body of myself or family members in situations that I often envision myself in—weddings, domestic scenes, indulging in vices, etc. Painting is a way of investigating this feeling by rendering a scene that I see in my head as vividly as possible, By exploring this fantasy, I am releasing my desire, and I am beginning to figure out what I want—and what ‘having it all’ really means.